28 Aug 2010

Bringing a World of Worries to Paradise

The water supply is still down after two days and I think I caught something really nasty yesterday, there’s Guardiasis going round. But I was on it with Olive Leaf Extract and woke up just fine today. The many troubles on my heart and mind last night sweated away with all the toxins and the rainstorm and I woke up bouncing.

I’ve been thinking for days now about how funny it is that you can come all the way out to paradise, leave everything behind, travel across half the globe, and still all your worries follow you. Fretting about money and broken computers and boys and bills… I limit to a few minutes here and there, ever since I have become acutely conscious of this fact. I am here. Right now is what I have right now. What I have, even though it is at times quite brutal and hard to live out here, is AMAZING. I am living completely consciously for the first time in my life. Feeling everything. I haven’t had a joint or a drop of alcohol since I got here.

Almost everyone has gone swimming. I was standing on the edge of the temple eating some pineapple for lunch, looking at the incredible view of the lake and volcano, the clouds swirling fast around it, the grasses sweeping in the wind. Chance is doing somewhat the same in silence. Munching on a slice that’s just dripping sticky everywhere. The pineapple looked like sunshine and I imagined it filling my belly with its rays. I don’t know why. But these days I just let myself imagine things that feel good and my body responds.

I’m thinking about how stupid it is to bring your troubles to a place like this, when you can just bring yourself.

“Paradise.” I heard slip out of me.


“I just realised… I have never been more broke in my life and I don’t think I’ve ever been happier. Or more content.”

“Neither have I. I have five dollars.”

We laughed. Then went back to silence.

It reminded me…

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
~ Mahatma Gandhi

I am not leaving this place until I am cemented in this all the time. Unshakably. No matter who comes into my life, who leaves or whether my house burns down with everything in it. It’s what I have wanted for years, and I am only now realising that THIS is the reason I have seeked out so many dangerous, gambly things and relationships, the exact types of situations that break you down to nothing, and strip everything from you.

I have been doing these things ever since I first started feeling fear and abandonment as a little girl. I have always wanted to be broken down to nothing but myself. There is a huge safety in that. Huge. I have wanted unbearable pain and unresolvable dead ends to force my hand, force me to let go of the things I cling to for safety. Things that will always pass, always fail.

It’s the war of the proud ego vs. the humble heart. My ego as it turns out is overinflated in value and ridiculously fragile. My heart, that I thought would crumble, is huge. When I close my eyes and feel it, it creates a space so wide around me its wider than the volcano and more electric than a lightning storm.

I want my heart to win this war. I want to let go, forgive and forgive myself. I want to be free of fear. I want only love to to sustain me. Only love to remain.

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