30 Aug 2010

Truth waits on eyes unclouded by longing

Truly, one may gain by losing;
And one may lose by gaining.

~ Lao Tzu

Something permanently changed in me tonight after I took this photo. I walked home in the dark instead of using the headlamp, with acute awareness of my footing, living the present moment, using all my senses, praying I wouldn’t unknowingly squish any frog princes. All the vivid colours that come out at night would have blackened out with a light. I wondered, why do we automatically switch them on without realising this huge tradeoff?

A few hours later while sitting on a rock in the pitch dark, watching a massive lightning storm light up the bellowing clouds circling the volcano, I felt the click happen.

All these years I’ve been desperate for a sense of home, some soil to call my own. The desperation pushed it ever further from my reach until finally I was completely without even a place to return to.

But as of now, I don’t want a home anymore. I don’t need anything. It is always given to me. For example, we ran out of catchment water today. No problem. I got an outdoor shower at a neighbour’s from his catchment, I didn’t care it wasn’t private for the first time in my life — was just so thrilled to be clean! To fill my water bottle! Then as if I wasn’t thrilled enough, I got to see this sunset. And stroke the muzzle of a white stallion that appeared like a ghost in the middle of my trail along a dark long-grassy field.

I’m waking up. I’m realising I’ll always take myself some place amazing. I’m committing this to myself from now on, with all the commitment I always gave to the men in my life. Despite fighting against it for years, I am no longer responsible for looking after anyone but myself, and it’s so much more fun!!

I don’t even want anything anymore. Not new clothes, even bug spray. Not even my laptop all fixed, or even someone to love and travel with. Because I KNOW I’ll always be provided for, even if it’s at the very last second, because I am open to new experiences and don’t mind roughing it on the path to all the good things.

I don’t want anything that isn’t meant to be. I no longer wish for anything to be different. Or have any regrets. If it was meant for me, then I’d have it. If it is meant to be, then I will have it, and it will be at the perfect time too. The same goes for lost loves. If he was meant to be I wouldn’t be here on this island, writing this in a hammock, would I? I’d be in a coffee shop waiting for his shift to end. Happily. But I wouldn’t be here. I am happy. So blessed. I have been here a month and not bored for a second.

I realised while having dinner with all these people in the thunderstorm that I have been SO incredibly BORED for years now! Even with the bit of travelling I’ve done. Because for YEARS I’ve been totally focussed on making others happy and making their day’s better instead of fulfilling my purpose. Why did I choose to do this?!! What on earth was I waiting for?

Now my cheeks ache from smiling every day. My belly hurts from laughing so hard I roll around on the floor sometimes. I often think about how fun it would be to travel deeper and into South America, right to the tip, realising a dream I’ve had since I was a teenager, to taste every single exotic fruit that I can imagine, fruit that have not touched the lips of most people in the world. I always wanted to do this by boat, or walking. Anyway…

I don’t need a home. When you have nothing you automatically gain everything. The whole world belongs to me. It always did, I just never saw it till tonight.


  • bird
    October 23, 2010 Reply

    I love your perspective Kirsten. Not sure if I agree thats the whole meaning of life, or if there is a meaning, or if its just about expressing life in whatever form we’re born to express and allowing others and things to express the way they are designed to.

    But I have been thinking a lot lately about giving back without losing myself in the process. How to do that. Without going overboard. And in a way where I am automatically recharged rather than fading away. I havent been able to do that in relationships so far but its part of the long term plan 🙂

  • kirsten
    October 22, 2010 Reply

    Only one problem…the meaning of life is to give! I only hope that when you are eventually “filled up”, that you can return to the idea of giving to others…without giving yourself away…

  • Karen
    September 16, 2010 Reply

    Mummy Wakame – love it. I’ll be Dummy Wakame.

    You are your home. It matters not the physical location of your body. You take your “home” with you where ever you go.

  • bird
    September 6, 2010 Reply

    I think we were born completely fulfilled, and cruelly unable to see it.

  • Mummy Wakame
    September 1, 2010 Reply

    Aah, I feel completely fulfilled, reading this!

  • denise
    August 31, 2010 Reply

    hold that thought. you are so right with everything you have said. always be grateful for where you are in the moment and the beauty of the people who have entered your life. if they are meant to stay it will just happen. it does not mean people are bad they are just not for us. we spend so much of our lives trying to get people to be what we need. if they are not god bless them and keep moving until you find it.

    • bird
      August 31, 2010 Reply

      Beautifully put Denise. Although for a long while my hopes made it hard for me to accept what was happening… what you have said here is exactly how I feel. Exactly.

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