18 Nov 2010

A life without boundaries?

So I’m just writing as this idea comes out of me, as ill-formed as it might be. Right from the core of me I’m feeling that maintaining boundaries is an endless, pointless pursuit, requiring a tremendous amount of effort and ending always in a huge amount of separation and pain.

Existence has no boundaries. WE set boundaries. We create separation. We put so much energy into separating ourselves from others. Having standpoints. Feeling better than others. Standing out from the crowd. Or deliberately isolating ourselves. Completely rejecting others. God, I’ve done ALL OF THESE!!! Its all stupid illusionary crap. None of it is real. All of it is subjective.

What is a boundary anyway? Just some figment of our imaginations. The reason why it takes so much energy to maintain our boundaries is because it goes against a Universal Truth. Existance has no boundaries. what is beyond a boundary? more sky. So in other words, by creating boundaries, we are fighting what is. It just is.

I’ve been saying for months now that “I’m struggling with boundaries. This is a big problem that I can’t seem to solve. I need to be better at setting them and sticking to them. I’m too soft on people. Too trusting.” Right now, as I question this idea, I realise that I seem to be under some sort of illusion that it creates a certain amount of safety, to set boundaries. But really, when I break it down, it doesn’t. Its just perceived safety. People will still cross them whenever they well please. And other things happen out of our control too. So the safety thing, is out the window. I can’t think of a single other reason why a boundary would be useful to me. By setting boundaries, I am effectively REJECTING anything that life wants to present me with. I am simply not open to looking at it. My headphones are in. Can you see? I am not open to talking to you right now, so go away. Even though this conversation might change my life. Now it will never happen.

When I lived in South Africa, I lived behind fences and alarm systems. Despite my boundaries, people broke in anyway. I often wondered, what was the point?

I think the reason why I’ve been struggling with boundaries all this time, to apply it in the sense that a lot of my friends have been urging me to, is because it doesn’t fit at all with the universal truth in my core. It doesn’t make any sense. Its fallable. Its a construct of the mind. Another bit of clutter that eventually I’ll have to get rid of to get to the essence of just enjoying this life, and ultimately, freedom.

All this said, I’m not quite sure how ready I am for the repercussion this concept will have on my life. How it will affect relationships. This “ideal” relationship with a man I’ve been searching for all my life. If it has no boundaries, that means… so many things… things I’m not sure I’m ready for. But I’m willing to find out. Because I know that without boundaries, the truth always comes out. It is true freedom. To be and live in complete honesty. And that, seems worth every sacrifice, and the pain of shedding any social constructs along the way. And along with that, the perceived safety and shelter I have craved, from a more traditional relationship.

So ultimately, a life without boundaries means a life without separation. So what is there to fear?

It seems weird to even post this, because the idea is still so raw and unformed in my mind, but its the beginning of something that I just can’t turn away from, now that I’ve tasted it. And so, I press PUBLISH and it’s done.


  • } bird {
    November 21, 2010 Reply

    I love what you said about having no expectations. It has been very healing and freeing to be able to let past betrayals and hurts go, simply by realising that a lot of the time, people dont know any better. and even when they do, they simply can’t do better. and its not personal.

    Im trying to not have any expectations of anyone. Its challenging.

  • denisek
    November 21, 2010 Reply

    haha what you are doing is called boundaries. that innervoice what is good for you is called boundaries. i so agree with everything you said and it is so sad what it takes to to love ourselves enough to take care of our selves. that little voice inside helps me determine how much i will receive back from people whether it is a relationship based on giving or a mutual loving healthy relationship. some relationships are just what i call God given to do service work to help others on their journey and to allow him to fill my cup because the people i am in relationship are not capable of filling only emptying. in those relationships i have no expectations from them because i know they can not do that. that innervoice which i call God and boundaries leads me

  • } bird {
    November 20, 2010 Reply

    I love you so much Denise.

    what you have said here, I cannot deny, has worked out incredibly well for you. It is EXACTLY RIGHT for you and has had incredible results in your life.

    The thing about people with no boundaries hitting rock bottom and being lost, we both know about pretty well. and in a recent example too which I won’t ever talk about here. but I dont think boundaries is the real problem, it just appears to be, and was the main thing I always complained about… but now I’m rethinking it. its not listening to his inner guiding voice, but dulling it with distractions that is the problem. flagrantly disregarding others boundaries is one of the distractions too. Creating constant chaos, keeps the mind completely distracted from pain. Sometimes fear is even preferred to pain, for some.

    I’m going to try this no boundaries thing out for a while. I will always respect others boundaries, because I know how important they were to me one time too. I remember how I believed it kept me safe. But as far as others crossing mine, they will regardless if they really want to, just like they always have and always will. Even the ones who love me.

    So I’m just going to be open to experiencing new things that before I wouldn’t have considered, and exercise my right to just walk away, any time my inner guide tells me to. Towards the things that feel right for me.

    So for example, if someone gives me a creepy feeling, I will naturally just energetically move away from them and the things they eminate, using my inner instincts as the navigator towards or away from new experiences.

    I realise I’m not making much sense, but I’m feeling this one out and its not really possible to put the idea into words. All I can do is try it out for some time and see how it works. And then write about it later.

  • denise
    November 19, 2010 Reply

    boundaries i spent my whole life trying to figure out what they were. it is not about any one but our selves it is the core of being ,it is what we believe in and value and at no cost are we willing to sacrifice it.when we love and respect our selves it is not work to hold up thees boundaries. we are able to decide how a relationship goes based on how much respect a person respects who we are.people who have no boundaries do not respect others with no boundaries.they are lost. most people with out boundaries are lonely lost people and until they hit a bottom and decide how to get back up they will not truely know what they value. rember some people are placed in our lives and we are the teachers for a short time and when the lessoned is learned is not for us to decide. i so loved what your mom said and i will talk later

  • } bird {
    November 18, 2010 Reply

    Wow. Yes it does. Every paragraph. Hmm. Hmmmmm. I think I can also embrace the idea of having boundaries at my core while at the same time completely accepting others and loving them just as they are, even if they try to cross them or dont share the same boundaries. When I think about how I would never ever torture an animal, that is a boundary for sure and that will never change. It is absolutely integral to my nature.

    The rest of what I want to say, I’m emailing to you, to respect his privacy.

  • barbara Peirson (AKA Mum)
    November 18, 2010 Reply

    Wow! Just today, this came to light for me:

    Boundaries have to form from within, they can’t be learned from a book or stuck onto the outside like a plaster. We need to want them, be conscious, and trust during the ensuing storm that arises once we call out our need for them.

    Without boundaries, during times of stress we become poor ‘Chicken-Licken’ with the sky constantly threatening to fall down on us, all at sea, constantly swilled about in the shaken bottle of co-dependent relationships. And prey to the fox, the karmic, shape-shifting robber of our serenity and selfdom. There will always, always be psycho foxes preying on our vulnerability, out there in life’s jungle.

    It is not all foxes and badness without … it can be from within, towards others too … but it is all good in the end.

    Good, (as in really loving, happy and stable) relationships have this one thing in common. When one partner regresses into infant pain (abandonment, fear, or rage) the other partner is able to stand clear, be separate, rational and strong enough to wait patiently, stand beside and, if necessary, carry the lost one home. THAT is what boundaries are for.

    For ultimately in this world, we are born alone and we die alone. To have a meaningful life, we have to learn to stop blaming others and take responsibility for our own outcomes. This lesson can only be learned through crisis, with the close, listening, kindly help of a midwife in the form of a therapist, guru, priest or shaman. To be reborn as our true, separate selves, we need the help of a higher power.

    Livvie, strike this if it doesn’t chime with you xxx

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