30 Jun 2011

In the old neck of the woods

Pittsburgh, my original US ‘hometown’. Today I’m working from Crazy Mocha on Ellsworth Avenue, like old times. Sitting at my favourite table right by the window, people watching, like old times. Except this time I wont be going grocery shopping and then back home afterwards to think up what to make for dinner for the family and read bedtime stories afterwards. The house where we lived is just down a narrow side street I can see from this window. This time I’m walking back in the sunshine to Morgan’s seemingly non-stop-fun-house where I now live, and plan to live with her for a few more weeks of golden Pittsburgh summer. Saving up a bit for this ‘home’ wherever it is. Until the next place I live. Everything’s exactly the same around here as I remember yet completely different, and amazingly, in a really happy way. I don’t have limited time alone to do whatever I want whenever I want. I have all the time in the world. I’m as free as a bird, and having a lot more fun in Pittsburgh than I ever remember. Being alone is not the same as lonely. It is incredibly liberating. It amazes me how afraid I was for all my life to be alone.

Given the choice back then to have what I have now, I highly doubt I would have traded it for the freedom I have now, because I loved my family. But in a lot of ways, even though I bucked and fought in the beginning to keep the relationship intact, losing everything was the best thing for me. I can’t complain, I am blessed! Whenever I lose something precious, eventually it works out that there was something better waiting for me. I think this is the same for everyone, we just usually don’t notice it.

Everything is going to work out fine. It has been all along. I am so grateful for my blanket of friends that have carried me through some really tough times, and for every golden opportunity I have been given along the way in this life.

I am so happy to be alive. I really hope I get to hang out on earth a good few more years! If we don’t blow it all up.


  • } bird {
    July 9, 2011 Reply

    Absolutely true. This is what I am going for.

    Unfortunately… I know from how I have felt in the past, when I found that incredibly comfortable fit, bliss just simply lying in the arms of a beloved… it was all too easy to think that everything I needed in the world was right here, wrapped around me, with legs and arms, heart and soul, asleep in my hair.

    I miss it.

  • smoky
    July 9, 2011 Reply

    Depending on another person for your own happiness cannot be healthy. Solitude has taught me to be a better friend to myself.

  • barbara Peirson (AKA Mum)
    July 8, 2011 Reply

    The above comment belongs to another article … learning to be alone … old git syndrome hit me!

  • barbara Peirson (AKA Mum)
    July 8, 2011 Reply

    7 long, lonely years in the desert. It was needed after a lifetime of co-dependent, ego-driven relationships which were fraught with conflict and insanity.

    And in that desert, on my own, I got the message. So I wrote down a prayer. Who did I want? And what should I become in order to find my life companion?

    20 years on I am still so blessed. In that solitude, I was transformed and so was he.

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