20 Jun 2011

Inner Guidance System Calling

Returning to Ometepe Island was not the homecoming I thought it would be. It felt very homely the last time I was here and I imagined it would feel even more so returning, but instead, I’ve been feeling increasingly alien. And though I feel I can make myself belong by putting down roots and being stubborn about it, at the same time I feel I really don’t belong here in the most natural sense. I’m just not feeling it inside.

Not even with one of the most incredible human beings I’ve met in my life by my side. For weeks and weeks things increasingly got worse as I felt more and more homesick. We are at different roads in our lives, with him wanting to venture further and further, getting completely lost, deeper and deeper in the wilderness on a very spiritual quest, while I am looking now, finally, to settle down and build a home. And all of these things brought out issues inside of me where I realised to absolute dismay, that I was repeating a lot of things with him that were problems in my last marriage. I was stuck in this loop. I think maybe I have been trying to fix things since then, fix the damage inside myself, when really, I just need to walk away from anything remotely connected to that old way of thinking, and of living. The really odd thing about it, was I felt a complete role reversal happening, where he was the me in my past marriage and I was my ex in a lot of ways. It has been an extraordinary eye-opener, and actually I know over time it will be deeply healing. Everything finally coming together and making sense. But at the same time, it’s been completely dysfunctional in a working relationship. I have a lot of healing and growth to do to make it functional.

After a stressful month and particularly 2 weeks of absolute darkness, complete disconnection from my inner guide that knows exactly what I should do, I FINALLY had a breakthrough. An old and very wise school friend who recently reconnected with me after all these years suggested I try the Ganesh mantra to break my own strong internal blocks. The day I tried them I immediately felt an all-consuming peace settle in my belly, and by the next morning I was starting to feel focus for the first time. Each day after that I started to hear my inner guide speaking clearer and clearer. I guess this mantra, like all the others, have been recited for so many thousands of years, imprinted with such strong intent that connecting to the very vibration carries multiple times more strength than possibly even a prayer. It is a prayer, but magnified almost infinitely. I’m very grateful to finally find this release, to find a little bit of my old trusty direction again.

After a few days my Spirit Guide was very clear, and very stern with me. “It is time now. You MUST create your home now, somewhere, on your own, without a man being half of the energy behind it. It won’t be your first home, but it will be a start and an important one. You may lose a home to natural disaster, but never again will you lose that feeling of being at home when your beloved leaves. It is your home. Come and claim it. Don’t waste anymore time.”

I am flying back to the States in a few days. From there I am looking all across the continent, at places I have wanted to live for a long time now, and I’m even considering places where I don’t know anybody, yet. Though I feel that the next steps will be revealed to me as I take each one.

If I am on the right path, and I feel that I am, the next steps will open up to me just at the right time. That is how i will know for certain.

I have no idea what the future holds for me and my love, but I do know we have a tremendous amount of growing to do and very different paths to follow for some time yet. I know that as soon as I set foot on another continent I will pine like crazy for him and want to go back to wherever he is, but somehow I have to be strong enough to do this. I must keep going. In the mean time, all I can trust, is that as long as I remain faithful to my inner voice, everything will turn out beautifully. I hope some day that this little voice that I can still barely hear sometimes, will grow louder and louder over time as I follow it more and more accurately, until I live a life completely connected, completely trusting myself, so that I never feel lost in the dark like this again.


  • } bird {
    June 30, 2011 Reply

    Wow thanks Jam! And of course, I remember you 🙂

    So I just rescued your comment from the spam folder. phew! hopefully the next time you comment WordPress will remember that you are cool.

  • Jam
    June 25, 2011 Reply

    I have followed your blog, on and off, for such a long time now. I’ve been watchimng your recent journey with curiosity and increasing awe. You amaze me over and over again in your honesty, and your ability to live in truth, even if that is a painful experience. Thank you for sharing these moments and thoughts with the world.

  • smoky
    June 24, 2011 Reply

    hmm..interesting. I wonder how it all is going to turn out.

  • Bronnie
    June 21, 2011 Reply

    Big hug across the seas until you are safe and settled and where you need to be

  • } bird {
    June 20, 2011 Reply

    Aw Bronnie thanks!!! Today’s been a bit tough. I’m trying to block a lot of emotions until I leave the island where its safer to have those moments when I keep changing my mind. Just hope I can hold out till then. He is my dream man in so many ways and really incredibly difficult to move from. I think, sometimes we’re just too young, proud and stupid. I know I have been. I have a lot of growing up to do. And I have a nest to make somewhere. Just waiting to hear what the next move is.

  • Bronnie
    June 20, 2011 Reply

    I am crying. I don’t know why. I think its because I love you my oldest friend and am so happy that you have finally found root, found safe, found your very own clarity. I know it was necessary for you and for the best that you had to go through all of this on your own to come to this place, decision but I am sad that you had to be so alone in your soul for that to happen.
    Awwww the hugest koeksuster hug and I will come visit you whenever that may be, I have a very clear picture in my head of what your home place will be, i don’t want to describe it cos it must be yours but there will be a tree –
    ” The more I seek my soul the closer I am to fine ”
    The Indigo Girls

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