I’ve been struggling to cope with a lot of strange and uncontrollable feelings for many weeks now. More emotions are surfacing, strange perceptions and instincts, but my ability to express them is numb at the same time. Not able or wanting to write and when I do it doesnt feel right. Energetically I’m feeling the huge shifts happening in the world, evolving at an ever crazy speed towards some unknown unfathomable point coming up soon. And my love and I are drifting ever further away, unreachably far now, while strangely I feel I haven’t been drifting or moving at all… just floating, without really knowing what I’m waiting for or where to go. And grieving him. So much grieving. Yet I’ve felt a knowing under all of it that the path is going to slowly reveal itself, like a gift in almost too many wrappings. I’m stuck at the bit right a the beginning, picking at the celotape wishing I had fingernails, not wanting to ruin the perfect wrapping… afraid of what it might be under all of the paper, hoping I’m ready for it.

About a week ago while I was listening to this song I suddenly felt a bolt jolt through me – “I am going to learn to play the banjo! And I’m going to learn to play this song.” I was so excited about this! For days. I dont really know why! It was also the only thing that seemed to bring me out of the glum. But banjos are expensive and I have other more urgent financial obligations right now. “That’s OK! If I cant afford one, it will come! Just keep thinking about the banjo.” And so I have…

Last night before I switched off the light, Frolina curled up near my chest and she looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’m not a cat. I’m something else in the shape of a cat. And I know you know this. I want you to know that I know you know.” It made me laugh. She has been nothing short of amazing to me lately. And although we both know she’s a great hunter, incredibly resourceful and can survive out there easily without me, she runs happily by my side up and down the stairs, from ever changing place to place, hangs out with me when Im on the grass outside, she comes home at night when I call for her, she sleeps with at least a limb crossing over me… and she smells sooooo good to me, so comforting.

Every night, the second I wake up, she meows and says hi. Its very loud and can be kindof annoying as it really brings me out of sleep. This happens even when I keep perfectly still and just slightly open my eyes. She always knows the very second Im conscious. Ive tested this before by putting her outside the room. She will meow at the door the second my eyes open. I go back to sleep and it happens again an hour later. And again and again.

This morning after she said her loud goodmorning she gave me a very rare gift. On the sheet right next to my cheek was one, single, perfect black whisker. I picked it up and knew, this is a magical whisker. A wish is about to be granted. It should be braided into my hair, to bring about much magic. But for now I put it under my pillow.

A few minutes after I got up I received an email from a man who has never met me, who found a listing I left on Pittsburgh Freecycle for a wanted old banjo, all that time ago I posted it. They are very expensive so I never assumed anyone was going to come forward. He has one for me just sitting dusty and unused, all it needs is one new string!!! I can get new strings.

Magic is happening. Things are starting to shift in a tangible way. I could alreay picture myself travelling all over with this banjo even before it was real. Tomorrow I’m going to collect it, get some strings and try to find a case for it too.

While I havent received everything I wished for in love that remained for longer than a glimpse, I seem to be always blessed with other wishes, so maybe the love thing is just going to take more time. It’s afterall a much bigger wish than a banjo. Or maybe the banjo is part of it. It just took me 34 years to figure out I needed one.