18 Nov 2012

Resistance is futile; I will be assimilated.

It has been a long long time, I cant even remember how long its been, since I felt connected to the Sacred Masculine energy. I miss that feeling, that direct connection to Source so much. That blissful, warm belonging and perfect balance. It’s so elusive. When I found it in Nicaragua I wasn’t looking for it, and now that I’m looking for it I can’t find it. Anywhere. I know I’m missing something obvious because deep down I know that I’m connected to it ALL THE TIME, so why aren’t I FEELING it? Perhaps I’m not living close enough to Source, perhaps I’m keeping myself too busy and partying too hard out of fear of feeling the emptiness from being detached from Source; but that’s whats detaching me from Source! I don’t know what’s going on with me but a lot of stuff is reshuffling and it’s sort of uncomfortable and odd and I’ve had a number of pretty out there experiences lately which have me onto the idea that none of this is real except what we are experiencing, and I’m now fully onto the idea that I’m literally creating my reality every millisecond through what I BELIEVE. We are Creator and we get to choose all the time. Reality is as much a dream as dreams are real to me nowadays. There is barely a veil inbetween the two anymore.

So if I’m still at this point in my life where I have found a way to literally manifest on the fly anything that I want in every area of my life, WHATEVER it is, whenever I want it, but I can’t seem to believe that I can do the same thing in relationships… then that indicates to me that deep down, somewhere I don’t believe I deserve this beautiful, yummy, sacred, warm, safe, deeply intimate and infinitely loving experience with a man, even a life-long partner and companion. So where does that feeling come from? The feeling that I’m missing something that is already a part of me, and that feeling that I can’t have it. That feeling means I’m walking around emitting a powerful damaged frequency through my beliefs that’s drawing damaged people towards me who are also afraid to believe that I’m Real enough to take the brave, deep plunge into the Wild cosmic consciousness with me.

As with everything in life, its all a reflection of ourselves. I am drawing people towards me who also dont believe on some level that they deserve their dream. Why do I feel like its not possible to have this when I can manifest everything else and believe everything else I want is possible? Whatever this is, I want to root it out. I want to be rid of it because its a lie and its separating me from my Love. This has been my life’s quest! There is nothing more important to me than this. So I guess, now that I’ve committed to rooting it out its going to happen and I’m not going to do anything to stop or resist what unfolds. This is going to be quite the strange journey… and its going to be fun 🙂

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