Yesterday I went through a radical and exciting metamorphosis. I am certain now that it’s uncomfortable to turn into a butterfly, and hurts like a bitch to squeeze out of the coccoon.

After weeks of agonising and going back and forth in my mind every few days or so, something critical happened that really twisted up in my guts at first and exploded, and I thought I might die from the pain. But after a day I accepted there was no going back. That the relationship I had for the past 5 years, the one that brought me to America for love and adventure, is absolutely and finally over. As I uncrumple my brand new wings under the sunlight I feel this huge release from the burden of all that worry and wondering and waiting for the final nail to hit. And after it was done, I realised it hadn’t destroyed me. When I opened my eyes and and felt my soft warm belly, I realised I feel more alive and more beautiful than I ever have in my whole life. I still love him and I feel no bitterness or anger or regret. I have no old baggage to sort through. My mind is clear. My heart is open, and it is so full of love. I have lost nothing of myself through the process and gained all of myself at the same time.

I haven’t been single since I was 16, going from one seriously committed long-term relationship to the next all my life, never alone for longer than 2 weeks. When I look back I realise I was afraid to be alone, and this habit disabled me for years. I am now 32 years old finally learning to stand on my own two feet, by myself for the first time. I know if I fell into the arms of a comfortable old or exciting new lover all would be forgotten, all pain would be soothed away into thin air. Opportunities have come out of the woodwork from left and right as they always do in these times, to tempt me back into comfortable habits. But no, I am choosing this path, the one less travelled, for the first time, for me. I choose to feel the sun singe my wings awake, to learn to fly, to choose my own flowers, to dance the rest of my life away and never look behind me, unless the wind spins me to say goodbye to something else.

This opportunity — the one I didn’t want at all and kicked my heels up and fought with all my might at first — has been given to me as a gift of life, and I will not waste it by reverting into old habitual ways of thinking and existing, frittering my life away being someone else’s dream idea of a partner instead of finding myself, bending and moulding to whatever they desire as I used to believe was my talent and purpose, filling up all my time following their dreams. These were all things I chose to do in the past, I have no idea why, but now I am tired of that chase, bored of it even, and feeling so lucky to be alive, with all my little legs and wings undamaged, extended, and miles and miles of smiles inside.

This is my time to shine, and I am going to shine my heart out! I will laugh and dance and play all my days away while I discover who I really am, and what I really want in life, for this first and exciting new time. And then and only if I ever get to that point of unwaivering self-reliance and self-awareness, will I be ready to take on a new lover. Not to be a part of them, not to fulfil a part of me that’s missing or lost as I know I will have found all that within myself, but to be their equal partner in adventure and through life. He will be magnificent, beautiful inside, self-actualised, unwaivering, loyal, a great thinker, a true friend, hilarious, adventurous, passionate, wickedly delicious, compassionate, poetic, creative, musical, and most importantly of all, able to handle the woman in me as I will be able to handle the man in him. This is what I want, and I will not compromise. The woman I was before was serene and bending and pleasing, so easy to live with. Not this one. I will likely have my own treehouse by then, but there will be space for two!

Over the next few weeks I will divulge some peeks at the new exciting goals for this, my year of transition. My rite of passage. And soon, when the new yummywakame website goes live, my new name will be revealed. Not the name that most will always know me as, but my true name in spirit, known by you, my friends.

Thanks for following me on this journey. If I don’t know you by now, I would really love to. Write your heart out to me. Please come along for the ride. This is the time for inspirational new friendships and growth, and I have a feeling if you follow this blog, you’re already one of my kinds of people.