Desire, Attachment and the Endless Pursuit of Happiness
I sense acutely today, that this difficult path I’ve chosen towards celibacy, for the time while I find my truest nature, is leading me towards the polar opposite of how I have lived my life so far. It is taking me down roads I never considered before, and allowing me to explore avenues I used to be afraid of. I am still nervous of. Some of the most basic fundamental things I believed in and ways I acted on that propelled me on a daily basis towards my goals, towards happiness, are changing.
I am discovering along the way that happiness is not something that can be strived for, it is not something that can be grabbed onto, or held even for a moment, or even observed, as it then slips through the fingers. Desire and feelings of attachment take over, and the idea that once I do this then I can have that, or feel that happiness again, or some satisfaction… but only then. It’s always in the future. Or sometimes, as was the case this morning when I woke up from a haunting dream of my previous lover, of really happy times, my subconscious tried to bring me some happiness from the past. But it just made me feel so incredibly sad, feeling that loss from someone I had been so intricately attached to, it just unbalanced my inner peace, and has me shaken all morning. I am writing this now, still feeling shaken, in order to unshuffle my thoughts and find peace.
The very idea of “The Pursuit of Happiness” is a beautifully worded seductive phrase that is unfortunately cruelly misleading, as it points in a direction saying “go forth!” when there is no direction. It is in itself so alluring and inspiring that believing in it is possibly one of the worst causes of suffering in the world today, most strongest seen in America and countries that strive to be like us. There is no happiness to be found in pursuit. Constantly trying to fulfil our desires is as endless and pointless as lugging water across vast distances to the ocean. Its not a debt that can be paid off and then enjoyed, desires just become more and more needy the more we entertain them, and eventually we are in debt to them, dragged around by the throat by our engorged wants and needs into doing terrible regrettable things. Completely enslaved and with no inner peace. Never satisfied for very long before we get dragged around again. It has become a sickness of our conditioning, that we find this a normal way to live, and that we even label it “ambition” sometimes, congratulating ourselves on being ambitious. In fact, I believed in it so strongly, that I created a category on this blog called “the pursuit of happiness”, around the time I met him.
Happiness for me at least, can only be found in the moment, in any given moment, just through allowing myself to feel it. Allowing it to land softly on my shoulder like a butterfly, when I am at peace. That butterfly often only lands when I’m not waiting for it.
I am learning something about attachment too, and it bothers me so much because I am so used to feeling attached to things, to find security in them, so attachment feels right to me. But in every case, loss has caused me pain. With everything in my life I am attached to proving to be more and more transient and momentary, disappearing and even running away, it is forcing me to see what is really true. That being attached in the first place is what has caused the terrible suffering. Eventually, everything passes.
I think of myself as a child around a fire, how beautiful it is… sitting there around it, enjoying the heat, looking at those beautiful colours, watching it dance mesmerisingly, so unexpectedly, sparking and crackling… and then I think “but I don’t want it to go out. how can I keep it? I want this feeling to go on forever.” and so I grasp at it, wanting to own it, have it to keep. But it brings so much suffering and pain to the body, so much damage as the flames scorch and burn me. And when I look at what has caused this suffering, it was the idea of grasping it in the first place. The mind quickly learns that fire is not something to become attached to. This doesn’t mean that the fire is bad, that it should be put out, or that I should never sit around a fire again. I can still enjoy it, I can feel its warmth without actually having it. And sure, I’m not going to have that fire around me all the time. It’s a part of life.
I learnt this lesson as a teenager when my mother showed me how much fun it is to window-shop without having to actually buy anything. We were quite poor and she saw how sad I was that I couldn’t have any of the pretty shiny things in the window, and she pointed out that I can still look at them, enjoy their prettiness and find them inspiring, without having to have them. And we would window-shop for hours, laughing and enjoying all the amazing new things coming out. Many years later I discovered the additional joy to this pleasure, that I wasn’t constantly whipping out the credit card, I didn’t have too much stuff in my life, and I wasn’t in debt up to my neck for buying more designer clothing than I’d ever need or endless beautiful things for the house that I couldn’t afford (although there was a short stint when I had more money than sense and got that out of my system fast). I could have looked at it back then like there was so much lacking in my life, but I ended up using those pretty objects I couldn’t afford as inspirations for hand-making so many things in my life, and spotting design trends that I use in my career today. I wasn’t enslaved by the desire for them to complete me. I hope to figure out how to use this lesson in relationships, so that I don’t feel that there is anything lacking in my life.
I am trying to figure out now, where these lessons about desire and attachment are leading me. Because I do not want to ever feel this excruciating pain and loss over a person ever again, I know that for a fact, and I know that attachment has everything to do with this pain. Attachment has caused the strong physical desires for him, along with extreme anger over being so suddenly and unceremoniously dumped after 5 incredible years invested, dealing with the jealousy of it all being for some other girl who reappeared without any warning, missing our son of his who I lovingly raised and felt was mine-own, missing our amazing life of travel together, ALL these things are around attachment which brings no peace, just unbearable pain into my life, and so much of it.
But on the other hand I have no plans to be celibate for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy life’s pleasures. I want to fall in love again, I really do. I want to find that one special person. I do want to be his and for him to be loyally mine. But that is again, attachment. Perhaps it is comfort in habit. At least that is where I am comfortable now. I need to figure out how to find the middle ground without going through life celibate, or having meaningless no-strings sex with various people I cannot emotionally attach to. But I dont want it to be so middle-ground that I become blah, someone who is unmoveable. I need to find the answer to making it resonate with truth throughout my entire being, knowing that I am doing what brings me bliss. This is going to take a lot of thought and a lot of time to figure out. It’s a very dicey road.
Aaron N Allie Thiel
🙂 Much love! Rooting for you.
Olivia Meiring
By the way, any comments that are made on my website can be saved for all time 🙂 Im not sure how long FaceBook saves them for.
Olivia Meiring
exactly Allie, what you are asking is what I need to figure out. It seems pointless to be in a relationship with someone if I'm not really "in it", truly connected in some way. Yet at the same time, it very risky to do that again. Because even when you 100{a9f0d31f6175b3e4775e11a66c07db268fb74408d6095f6b46eeec420c0e9f62} trust someone, and never consider they could ever cheat on you, apparently it happens. And a lot of people can vouch for that. Yet at the same time I have always believed its not worth being in a relationship with someone if there is no trust, so there has to be that, I dont regret trusting him. I have to admit I dont have the answer to this at all. I'm figuring it out as I go along.
Aaron N Allie Thiel
you know, there is an ancient Hewbrew custom (acutally, it is not soley credited to the tribes that evolved to be Hebrews…it existed in many ancient cultures of the middle east) called a blood covenant. Perhaps you are familiar? I was just casually reading your thoughts and I remembered the blood covenant – it was how tribal leaders would make contracts with each other that involved the slicing of a body part in a noticable area and the mingling of blood between the two- that showed the two tribes were in covenant with each other. That meant when one when to war, the other fought with them. When one needed a skill set that the other had, then services were freely exchanged between the tribes. They depended on eachother for survival. This same principle was applied to marriage agreements. They would cut around the base of the ring finger or wrist and rub gun powder in the wound so it resembled a tatoo. This sign showed covenant partnership. There were always witnesses present to validate the covenant between the two parties, and it was the responsibility of the witnesses to hold the parties accountable to the terms of the agreement. And the consequence to a broken covenant was death. In the marriage covenant, the only way a person could get out avoiding death was under one of two conditions: the partner died, or the partner was unfaithful. Other than that, the two that came together for marriage understood when they stood before the priest to be married, that they would be killed if they were caught breaking the terms of the covenant. It used to be much more serious than signing a piece of paper. So, that said, you want me to oft him? 🙂 Just kidding. But your intellectal ventures to find answers did trigger a question. You say that the pain you experience in recent times resulted from co-dependancy and attachment. To what degree is this appropriate in a marriage relationship? Or, maybe the more important question is, how do you define marriage? It seems to me that your feelings are totally justified, and I absolutely understand that you don't want to go through that again. Who would, right? Does this then, by default, change your expectations of committment and faithfullness in future relationships, as to not get attached to the point of avoiding pain should it fail?
Ms. Wakame
Good for you! Personally I dont think there is anything wrong with it, as long as it is an entirely chosen path, as it seems to be for you smoky. For me, on the one hand I am most creative, most focussed and have far more energy to thrive when I’m not actively sexually involved with someone. Sex expends a lot of creative energy.
However, since I have a high sex-drive I know that I couldn’t continue with this indefinitely, it would be impossibly hard to do. I’m already finding that aspect of this current path incredibly tough, especially as in life, when you are not looking for something there are no shortage of options suddenly available…
Olivia Meiring
Oh Uncle Steve… you wrote that while I was sleeping, and then I looked up my emails on my phone as I started to wake up and saw you'd sent me all those amazing baby photos – I was so touched. On this Thanksgiving Day I feel surrounded by family. I feel very close to you right now most of all.*BIG hug*
smoky
What’s wrong with being celibate? I’ve been celibate for 17 years and never thought there was anything wrong with me.
Ms. Wakame
Cheers Steve! I’m glad its of some use to you. That’s the reason I thought I’d make them public. I used to be EXTREMELY shy of sharing anything remotely personal online. Its like I was dropped on my head I behave so differently now. In many ways it seems foolish to write like this, but it still feels more right than a bad idea.
Steve
Let me second with thanks for your recent posts. It sounds trite, but your loss is our gain. Of course you’ll get through this, but I can see that it’s a very difficult time.
Ms. Wakame
Wow thanks Karen, its just great to know that these articles are causing such a stir, especially on Facebook, as I imagine out here people who dont know me are still shy to comment. These feel a lot like letters to myself really, to sort through the thoughts, and to keep me from backsliding horribly on this path.
I should make it clear that the celibacy thing is TEMPORARY and it is intended to keep me from being distracted and falling into the pattern of going from one relationship to the next to avoid the pain of loss. And to find myself again. I think it is the only way I can break the habit. It will only last as long as it takes me to heal. Nobody deserves to be my rebound relationship while I am still damaged.
April might be too late if I’m doing the Appalachian Trail (though funds have yet to be fixed for that to happen). The RV park here is a motel too, and there’s a couch in the RV too 😀
Karen
BTW, you are doing some absolutely gorgeous writing as you work this out. I hope you will keep copies of all your posts, and eventually send them to a publisher as a series of essays. I think they would make a great book for people going through loss and pain.
Karen
If you figure it out, you’ll be a world party of one.
All possessions are transient. What is not transient is family and real friends. Do NOT give up on love. You will find the right one for you, and the pain and heartbreak of the past will make it just that much sweeter.
You are right in that you cannot find happiness in pursuing it. You have to be very still in your inner-self and let it come to you. You have to LET it. It will find you.
The celibacy thing – ummm, no, not for me. I’m not sure how that helps, since it is a biological imperative, but if you think you need it, then so be it.
I’m thinking I’d like to come out there in April. Do you think you’ll still be in Marathon? We have trips planned in Jan. and March, and I think the weather is too unreliable in Feb. December is just craziness. I want to see the desert spring again, too. Where is there to stay in Marathon beside the Gage? Any place decent? B & B? Do I need to bring chocolate? A cat toy for Ninja Kitty?
Steve Van Der Spuy
Indeed it is Angel – an uncharted and rocky course that we must all travel, inexorably, in one way or another – sometimes alone, inevitably, eventually with a confidant and/or lover, discovering at times tranquillity, at times aching treachery. "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.""Is not the lute that soothes your spirit the very wood that was hollowed with knives?"Grateful that you possess the strength of mind and character to conquer the rough. You alone are the captain of your soul, master of your fate.You have always been unique (inadequate description!). Few are worthy of your company. I feel very close to you right now.