So I’ve been reading up online, trying to figure out if or when this chemical in my brain will wear off, the one that attracts me so intensely to my ex. For those who haven’t been following its been about 2 months since he left, and we were together nearly 5 years. I figured it must be chemical because I have successfully moved on in almost every other way, except I’ve made no headway physically. I found some other things out.

That studies show that for the first year up to the 4th year in a relationship, chemically the the brain is similar to that of a drug addict, and also a person who is certifiably insane. At around the 4th year the initial insanity wears off and is replaced with attachment chemicals. This transitional period is usually when relationships break or move onto the next phase. The 4th year of marriage is when divorce is most common. I almost wonder if that next phase is co-dependency expertly packaged in the idea of “soul mates” but I cynically digress (because I already know I will wake up tomorrow believing in soul mates again)…

Apparently the feeling of falling in love can turn into an addiction, a chemical dependency that craves constant fulfilment and can wreak havoc in your life. There is a craze of people who jump from one relationship to the next, and is very commonly accepted these days, but it is rarely seen as an out of control addiction. But I can see its effects very clearly now in my own past.

Although I can’t account for how I can still be this strongly attracted after nearly 5 years with the same person, I do know that going from one relationship to the next, as I have in the past, fulfils the addictive need to have my serotonin and dopamine levels spiked. So it explains why it is so hard for me right now, to not jump onto the next best thing. It’s really hard actually. It also explains the slab of dark chocolate I absolutely have to eat daily.

And now to think about it… it also explains why a decade ago when I went through an experimental phase, Ecstasy was my absolute favourite drug. Like that feeling of falling in love multiplied by the universe exploding. Ultimate bliss. Literally that’s how it felt for me. At least I had the sense to quickly realise that craving Ecstasy and missing it with such intensity meant I shouldn’t ever, EVER touch it again or I’d end up on it every day. I am glad I didn’t because a few years later the research was out on the lasting affects of repeated Ecstasy use and well, I’m glad for my own natural brain chemistry that serves up so much daily happiness that I didn’t go that route.

I have often thought that Tantra might fill that void, but never seriously looked into it. Perhaps an investigation for another day.

And now for that chocolate…