{"id":12356,"date":"2011-03-13T18:18:26","date_gmt":"2011-03-14T00:18:26","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.yummy-wakame.com\/?p=12356"},"modified":"2016-10-11T04:47:54","modified_gmt":"2016-10-11T04:47:54","slug":"should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/2011\/03\/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go-now\/","title":{"rendered":"Should I stay or should I go now?"},"content":{"rendered":"

“Life is just a ride, and we can change it whenever we want to. It is just a decision between fear and love.”<\/em>
\n–Bill Hicks<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

This is haunting me. Its undeniably true. At every moment I’m making a decision between doing things out of love or fear. Really it should be words I live by, daily, because it rings SO TRUE to my core. It’s time to be more conscious of what my decisions are based on and to be as brave as I really want to be. This life is running out. Every month that goes by I feel this more acutely. I understand that it’s not that I have a soul, I AM a soul. I HAVE a body. I understand that this life energy can’t just disappear, it can only transform into something else once I “die”. But at the same time, I value this particular life so much for what it has given me. For everything I feel and learn. I am grateful too that my dreams have taken me so many places I could have lived many lifetimes already. But still, what am I going to do with this one life?<\/p>\n

Sit in Pennsylvania? Endure yet another freezing winter I promised myself I wouldn’t do again, so that I don’t lose US residency, waiting it out till I can apply for citizenship in November? Or will I throw all caution to the wind, lose my rights to come back and make home the next place I go? I am afraid to let this all go. It’s sortof home still. In a way. Well. I’m still paying taxes here for sure. Half my closest friends live here, my beloved US family, my US moms, my sweet sister… Aah crap. I’m going in circles with this every day. Dammit! I wish I hadn’t been so blase about my status in this country and applied for Citizenship years ago when I was married, when I was supposed to. I wasn’t worried. I just never imagined a scenario where we would split. Where I might want to spend most of the year outside the country and travel for a bit. I was happy to just be able to live here with my husband at the time and it just wasnt a big deal. Now its a huge deal. HUGE.<\/p>\n

I already did this once before, left the UK weeks before I was eligible for citizenship, for love, to come to the States, now I can’t return to the UK except as a tourist for a short stay. IF I have a fat enough bank account AND my visa application is granted. I can safely say that I made that decision out of love, not fear. Also, though, I don’t regret it one bit.<\/p>\n

So if I go, I could lose the right to return to the States, and along with it, every sure thing in my life right now. Which isn’t much, but its enough for me to feel reasonably safe. Life is pretty stable at the moment. I have a place to stay with a rad friend, its cheap, its warm, my bag is on the floor so its home, its snuggly with my cat and they love her to bits, time is flying and I’m advancing towards November any day now, and then the application process should hopefully take a couple of months longer.<\/p>\n

But also, life is flying by. And along with it, choices made from Love. The choices that I REALLY want to make.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

“Life is just a ride, and we can change it whenever we want to. It is just a decision between fear and love.” –Bill Hicks This is haunting me. Its undeniably true. At every moment I’m making a decision between doing things out of love or fear.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[408,223,224,214],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12356","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-diary","category-the-pursuit-of-happiness","category-travelog","category-wildishheart"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12356","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12356"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12356\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12356"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12356"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12356"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}