Is attending church seriously biting into your Sunday morning hangover time? Do you find yourself increasingly having to patch the knees of your trousers due to excessive kneeling before your Golden Calf? Have you had to expand your trailer to a “double-wide” because of all of the fat Buddha statues? Well no fear, there’s a new religion in town, one which requires little to no rules and best of all, is free.*<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
1.<\/strong> Holidays.<\/strong> There are only a few holidays recognized, primarily the Solstices, Equinoxes and Perihelion\/Aphelion. Luckily\/conveniently they usually fall close to other more traditional holidays. The secret to success with any new religion is to convince the people that you like to party on their holidays, but you know a better way to do it. So this Christmas (3 days after the Winter Solstice) show everyone you really know how to have a good time by dressing up like Jesus on the Cross and giving out vodka soaked watermelons. Now that’s a hot ticket!<\/p>\n 2. Socks.<\/strong> Matching socks are the enemy of everyone, avoid them and there will no longer be war.<\/p>\n 3. Washing clothes.<\/strong> If there’s one thing that the gods don’t want you to do, it’s to wash your clothes in the basement and then carry them all the way upstairs. This wastes valuable time that you could be living your life in the praise and adulation of the overlords. Instead, try smoking cigarettes with one hand, or riding a bike to Heaven!<\/p>\n 4. Nevermind the bullocks.<\/strong> Well, obviously.<\/p>\n 5. And finally,<\/strong> when being chastized by thine enemy, retort via the making of lists, and remember to always use humorous combinations like “Well, A.) it’s a bad idea and 2.) we don’t own<\/em> any eye of newt.”<\/p>\n I think you’ll all be a lot happier when you’ve stopped talking and started focusing on the future of now.<\/p>\n (* $47.99 membership fee in Puerto Rico + sales tax.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Is attending church seriously biting into your Sunday morning hangover time? Do you find yourself increasingly having to patch the knees of your trousers due to excessive kneeling before your Golden Calf? Have you had to expand your trailer to a “double-wide” because of all of the fat Buddha statues? Well no fear, there’s a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[212],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2779","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blogalog"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2779","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2779"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2779\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2779"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2779"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/yummy-wakame.com\/weblog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2779"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}