Paganathanism 101
Is attending church seriously biting into your Sunday morning hangover time? Do you find yourself increasingly having to patch the knees of your trousers due to excessive kneeling before your Golden Calf? Have you had to expand your trailer to a “double-wide” because of all of the fat Buddha statues? Well no fear, there’s a new religion in town, one which requires little to no rules and best of all, is free.*
How to be a good Paganathan
1. Holidays. There are only a few holidays recognized, primarily the Solstices, Equinoxes and Perihelion/Aphelion. Luckily/conveniently they usually fall close to other more traditional holidays. The secret to success with any new religion is to convince the people that you like to party on their holidays, but you know a better way to do it. So this Christmas (3 days after the Winter Solstice) show everyone you really know how to have a good time by dressing up like Jesus on the Cross and giving out vodka soaked watermelons. Now that’s a hot ticket!
2. Socks. Matching socks are the enemy of everyone, avoid them and there will no longer be war.
3. Washing clothes. If there’s one thing that the gods don’t want you to do, it’s to wash your clothes in the basement and then carry them all the way upstairs. This wastes valuable time that you could be living your life in the praise and adulation of the overlords. Instead, try smoking cigarettes with one hand, or riding a bike to Heaven!
4. Nevermind the bullocks. Well, obviously.
5. And finally, when being chastized by thine enemy, retort via the making of lists, and remember to always use humorous combinations like “Well, A.) it’s a bad idea and 2.) we don’t own any eye of newt.”
I think you’ll all be a lot happier when you’ve stopped talking and started focusing on the future of now.
(* $47.99 membership fee in Puerto Rico + sales tax.)
Fuschia Faery
What pills are you popping Nathan, they look good, I want some!
Giggles!
nathan
Wow, it’s good to see so many people getting back to our roots, and with so little conditioning shampoo-in treatment required.
Chad – when you exit the shower, you need to go somewhere to get dressed. Going to the basement is included in somewhere. Heh. Now who’s the prophet? Who?
And as for the rest of you – have fun, stay off the boos and before you chastize anyone, remember that without Michael, they would have only been the Jackson Four (and no one would have wanted to see that.)
Kittykatze
“2. Socks. Matching socks are the enemy of everyone, avoid them and there will no longer be war.”
I’ve been doing this for years.
Eon
Are mismatched socks with holes holy?
Quiddity
I’ve always know that mismatched socks are the way to true enlightenment. Can I be a Paganathanistic priestess?
Cait
I first read # 4. as “Never mind the ballocks” which led me to believe your religions was only for eunuchs and women. Other than that, I’m a believer. And, praise Nathan, my laundry is out in the garage. I have the list thing down, too. I just didn’t know it was a religious experience.
b0b
RANDOM NONSENCE
fat and happy pythonistas.
for y in x:
if match(y):
print ‘Ni’
break
else:
print ‘no shrubbery found’
chad
assuming i do my laundry once a week. and, assuming i practice paganathan. and, assuming i leave my laundry downstairs. then, every morning i have to go downstairs to get dressed.
so, only one day a week do i save a trip upstairs with my clean clothes and one downstairs with the dirty ones. so, bascally, aren’t i just saving a little carrying weight, one day a week, and adding 6 trips up and down the stairs a week? or are you just going to dismiss me and my plight by calling me a heretic