So this is where I am at on The Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle – slap bang in the middle:

I’m a little surprised I came out of the anger in just 3 days, and somewhat disappointed because it was really the most determined and powerful I’ve felt in this whole process. And notice how the chart shows a nasty downhill from there. However I have decided not to be afraid. My underlying motive throughout has been to get over this loss, to get to the end goal, without this dragging out for too long (because its never worth pining too long over someone who’s left you. If he’d died it would be a different story!) So I cannot be afraid of hitting that depression slump all the way down there. Depression has been underlying every day throughout and it does scare me that there is a whole phase of it to look forward to, like how much worse could this feel? I wonder, will I even be blogging when that happens? I hope so… I don’t want to weak out on myself like that.

I know that I’m at the bargaining phase because of the stupid ideas I’ve been having. They are irrational and if I don’t pop out of it, I’ll be going backwards which is never good. Usually people get spun out of the bargaining phase straight onto Depression by being horribly rejected again, but I don’t want to walk into that trap so I am trying to figure out ways to get out of it myself.

In the first few weeks after he left I was just a complete mess. I did a mini twirl along the grief cycle, going back and forth erraticly, hitting each of the phases in a loop, which was worrisome but I have decided to not over-think and worry that happened. During that time I was convinced there was a chance for us still, because there was a period where they had not officially gotten together yet while she took her time deciding, I was thinking of our son and everything we had built together over the 5 years, that it was worth saving, and I hadn’t yet had a chance to look at all the positives this loss (which I am starting to view as an opportunity) was presenting me with yet. It was part of the way I was dealing with the grief at the time and it just is what it is. At least I know what end goal feels like! I had evenings like that, whole evenings where I was in the glowing moonshine of my future, feeling much better off than I was before he left, I could see myself as the person I so badly want to be. I know what Acceptance feels like, I feel it is within my reach, like the insanely distant view from the top of the Grand Canyon a few days before I hiked down it and walked that distance. I want this so badly I can taste it!

Getting stuck on a point along the cycle for months or years is common for people dealing with the loss of a partner they cannot let go of. This will not happen to me because I decided that a long time ago. What I have to watch out for is “Cycling” because I have a very habitual brain, and I already cycled before. There are plenty of people who think they have reached acceptance but there’s that candle burning, there’s that lingering hope left behind. I don’t want to fool myself.  I see Cycling as avoidance of the inevitable, keeping busy with the grieving process. “When a person moves on to the next phase, they have not completed an earlier phase and so move backwards in cyclic loops that repeat previous emotion and actions. Thus, for example, a person that finds bargaining not to be working, may go back into anger or denial.” This is not something I want to repeat a third time, its just drawing out the process and making it excruciating for myself, and humiliating. Seriously, Bargaining is not a phase I want to repeat again. Grovelling for someone who has proven themselves to be unworthy of you through their base actions, and giving them the opportunity to reject you again and again, is absolutely degrading. No, I need to be bigger than this and stronger than this, for myself.

So this has been my strategy to get through the phase:
(I would love to know how you got through the bargaining phase)

1. Frequently reminding myself that moving towards comfort in feeling the sweet familiarity in being with somebody, hardly ever points to it being the right person for me. All it shows is that I have a pattern. I keep repeating the same bad habit by picking the wrong people for me over and over, and feel comfort in the familiarity of how that all goes even when it doesn’t feel good or the right fit  a lot of the time, OR that I am too afraid to step out on my own, OR that my brain or life is stuck in a habitual rut. I think that I can tick every box there. Yep.

2. Eating lots of dark chocolate and having a glass of red wine each night. But never having more than 1 glass. Oh that just went horribly wrong.

3. Writing emails and letters bargaining with him, every day, that I never send. I put it all out there, in all its crazy glory, save it to drafts. Then the rule is to leave it there overnight. I read it the next morning to confirm how stupid an idea that was and delete it, usually while laughing. But at least I got to purge those ideas, as stupid as they were at the time. It’s how I truly felt and so there was nothing wrong with that. But they’re still stupid.

4. Go over why they were stupid ideas. Realise how much I have gained on this journey. Keep track of how far I have come and how very much I do not want to backslide back into the painful process right to the beginning of the grief cycle again.

5. Knowing that I don’t want to be tempted into giving up the new free-spirited person I am discovering, the person I really need to blossom into, just to be with someone I find habitual comfort in, and yes, love. But still.

6. Have really exciting plans for the near future that require being single. Things that would be virtually impossible to enjoy if I was hitched. Things that totally thrill me to bits, and give me a reason to wake up in the morning, or to have to think about when I feel depressed. This is absolutely crucial, probably the most important thing to always have when going through grief to take the horrible edge off. To have gifts for myself, to be kind to myself, to spoil myself, to be allowing of certain privileges I couldn’t entertain before. Like flirting, I really enjoy it now. It’s fun. This upcoming trip, is just so ridiculously exciting to me, and there will be more and more things like this in my life as it takes the direction of following the things that make my heart pound with joy, as I can completely enjoy as a single woman, free to roam anywhere I want to now.

7. Realising that no matter what happens, no matter how this turns out, it can NEVER be the same again. What I am mourning for is gone. I am actually bargaining over nothing at all. I actually think this is the ticket to the Acceptance phase but I’m still clinging onto the corpse of our relationship here and I know its ridiculous, but its where I’m at. I am still in-love.

8. Realising that when the person you commit to does something unspeakable to you that is totally beneath you, in that act they no longer deserve you. Their loss, not mine as my friend Danny always says (even though I wish with all my heart he felt some loss…) Stay on the high ground, keep strong and do not go back there, no matter what. Be around people who edify you (I am pep talking myself here (yes I am a little strange)) because we always fall down to the lowest common denominator, we always fall into line with the likes of the people we associate with the most, the people we invest our time and share thoughts with. Therefore I don’t need to be around people who make me feel great about myself by being the best thing in the room. I want to be around people who inspire me with great ideas and are a model of where I want to be – people way above my level. I want to be continuously improving and enriching my life experience through the years. Although it must be said that when we were together, he was amongst the people I had sooo much respect for. He inspired me so much back then and was such an example to me, and I think we were to each other, but our paths are taking opposite directions now. They have been for a long time actually.

In times when I feel humiliated, thrown away, and just horrible, I remind myself that it is not me who has lost anything here at all. What she has gained for all she has taken from me, is going to turn out to be an exact reflection of everything she herself is, and everything that she currently deserves. I am prepared to wait for what I deserve. It’s going to be so worth all of this. ALL of this.