So where do I fit? I’ve been thinking about this a lot today. Working from the log cabin, Joseph left for work early this morning for an all-day-all-night shift on his feet again. He works his butt off. Usually I ride into Boulder with him and work from a coffee shop, where he will eagerly pop in to visit me on frequent breaks, but I was so tired this morning I couldn’t get up in time and now I regret it. He will be home close to midnight. I miss his constant, and I mean constant happy chatter. I miss his frequent passing cuddles, hand squeezes, reassuring kisses, the way he often brushes my hair out of my eyes and patiently searches them for answers to so many burning questions. The way he keeps my mind constantly lit with so many fantastic ideas on every topic that interests me.

I have always wanted this in a partner, longed for what Joseph offers me, all my life. The combination of a fiercely cherished best-friendship where anything and everything is discussed openly, intensely passionate affection, even in public, without game-playing, and an equal respectful partnership. All of which was missing from my failed marriage. I ached for these things for years but I somehow knew it would come into my life eventually, I believed in it, and so I stuck with my ex adoringly faithfully for all those years believing in this dream. I had no idea that it would some day come in the form of another man. A faithful and loving man my ex would someday steal from and thereby deliver me right into his waiting arms. What he stole turned out to be as worthless as the marriage I lost. Every day I wake up grateful for this gift the universe has given both of us. Our freedom and meeting each other.

Since Joseph and I are both working through very raw issues about trusting men and women because of our ex’s behaviour, we decided to have a no-delete, no-holds-barred, share-everything policy in our friendship and be very frank about feelings, the not so attractive things about our pasts, all our insecurities, and a lot of messy things like our weakest points, our fears and our longings.

About a month ago when we were talking on the phone every day, he confessed something to me that struck a chord. He told me that he knew without any doubt in his heart and mind whatsoever that I am the woman he has waited all his life for. I have actually heard this before a couple of times from men who were absolutely wrong for me, so I wasn’t desperate for this information. But he proceeded to recant a long long list of important qualities that he has always hoped for in a partner… the list ran on and on for a long time. He knew that with such a long list being met in one person, and with his gut instincts assuring him I was the one, that he knew it was me. He assured me that while he knew I was perfect for him, I need to figure out who’s right for me too, and that he is open to the fact that he may not be who I want to be with. He also said that he understands that there are a lot of things I want and need to do this year, most probably solo, and that he realises he may never actually meet me in person or that I may never feel the same way about him, but even so, he doesn’t see the point in messing around with anyone else while I figure my stuff out. That in his heart he would always want only one woman, and wait for as long as it takes, for years, to see if I ever choose to be with him. Our friendship is worth more to him than anything he has ever had before, and that he didn’t want to do anything to ruin it. Our friendship is more than enough for him, for life. While these thoughts may seem very extreme, and could have scared me so early on, I knew he was genuine about not pushing, waiting to see if I’d ever be ready, open to the fact that I may never be ready without any pressure… and I knew exactly what he was talking about, because my gut was calm and my instincts were sure, that he is a very good and trustworthy man. While I had many reservations in the beginning and fears throughout my marriage to my ex, I have never once felt a twinge of fear or doubt with Joseph. I too value our friendship in exactly the same way he does.

We have finally met, spent a full week together almost entirely in each others company, which with my ex would have been a recipe for disaster, annoyance, arguments, being shouted at and plenty of tears. But I have not once felt irritable, crowded, anxious or any of those old scary feelings once, together with Joseph or in the past month. Around him I feel peaceful all the time, happy, content, confident, strong, and most importantly free. I have never ever felt free with a man I loved before. I know that single or together, he will always want me to be free to live the way I need to, travel where I need to go, with or without him, and that he will always be true to me, always faithful, always my most protective friend.

I also realised more than ever before this week that our lives are aligned perfectly, that for everything I want to achieve this year and next, that he slips right in without making any concessions, not a single thing Id have to give up or postpone, he fits. Perfectly. Just as things already are. This may seem uncanny but to me its just another sign pointing to yes.

It has been a very healing experience having his arms around me in public, his hard pressed kisses on my cheek as we walk down the street, his constant concern for my comfort, proudly introducing me to his friends. Such tiny things for him that seem obvious but for me they are huge. I never had this with my ex, I felt so embarrassing to him, so invisible… if I wasnt invisible enough I was annoyingly smothering by just being present, even sometimes joining in the conversations got really awkward, like I was stealing the limelight or just being incredibly boring for opening my mouth. I could never figure out which. It feels amazing to be with someone I love so much and admire who actually treats me as his friend! who laughs constantly when I’m in a goofy mood, instead of those hurtful stares that say your-jokes-are-so-lame to shut me down. For years I existed with hardly a brush on the shoulder in public, longing to get close and feel as loved as I loved, watching other couples love the way I longed for, haunting me. Its amazing my self confidence didnt completely die out in for all those years, but I held onto some remaining embers all this time, knowing it was my ex’s issues, not my own. Joseph knows just how to fan those embers into flames without even knowing while he does them how incredibly important he is to me, to my healing process.

Sunday night I had a big deadline for Monday morning, and no internet at the cabin, so he drove me to Boulder and sat with me from 8pm till 4am while I worked over free wifi. Happily and smilingly played on his phone, listened to music and sometimes snuggled up with me while he waited for me to finish, then drove me safely home 45 minutes up 3000ft on unlit icy roads. In 3 hours he would wake up to work on his feet till very late. I told him how much it meant to me that he was doing this and he looked at me incredulously… what on earth did I mean? Of course he’s going to hang out with me. I suggested he could rather be sleeping right now and he looked confused again and said, “Why would I want to be sleeping right now when I could be with you? I have my whole life to sleep. I just want to be with you. I love you!”
I stared at him confused for a while, with memories from my past reeling in, realising how very opposite he is to Nathan and how different he is to any man I have ever known. He often does these types of things for me, and he sees the surprised looks on my face, and it hurts him. I can see in his eyes that it hurts him to know what I went through before, that he can’t protect me from my past, that it still echoes in my mind and haunts me. But I am grateful for all of that, to truly cherish what I have now. He deserves to be so unbelievably appreciated for all the things he does that used to be taken for granted by a very spoiled woman.

I am a single white female. My house is an RV, 1000 miles away from Colorado, parked in the remote Chihuahuan desert. I have a wild black cat for company who is patiently waiting for me to return home. I have big dreams planned for this year that are all starting to take shape in very exciting ways. But in my heart, mind and soul, I am taken. I only want one person. I am attracted to him only. I want to travel far and wide with him. I want to share the best of everything with him. My best friend.

Joseph.