It’s been one thing after another the past few months and I’ve been trying to figure out what’s going on and just keep my head above water. I cant figure out why I’m being hit with so many storms at once with such an intense duration and increasing momentum.

I have just finished purchasing expensive components to fix the roof of the RV after an intense hail storm. Put that on the credit cards, along with various unforseen emergency health expenses, medications, time out of work to recover multiple times, credit debt piling up. Not that i have much of a limit to party on.Through all that, dealing with a massive and heart-breaking betrayal by someone I considered one of my best friends who I confided far too much in. This was tied into losing Marathon as a place I will ever feel at home in again so it is no longer my safety-net or my homebase. Losing my homebase brought about a lot of anxiety. Losing a friend in that way tested every trusting relationship in my life suddenly. Around that time I lost someone I held very close to my heart. Rumours started spreading a week later involving me that I had absolutely nothing to do with and I have no idea who started them. Then I get pulled out of the shower one morning when the police rock up at our doorstep after receiving an anonymous tip that I’m being held hostage by my own boyfriend. Seriously? What!??? The. Heck. I spend all day panicking I’m going to lose him too. I am so scared he’ll be arrested. The allegation left us both feeling cold and creeped out. Now I’m dealing with rumours I reported him!!!! Because also rumour has it I am apparently suddenly insane. This rumour I actually know the source of and it was someone I have the lowest possible esteem for, so I didn’t take it personally. But Wow. Small freaking towns man. Such backward stupid smallmindedness. The things people will believe.

Then last night, my laptop, which is my entire livelihood gets stolen right under our noses. Containing everything I have ever created since I started this business 10 years ago. My new expensive backup hard drive also put on credit card, which would save me from disaster? In the same bag. On that night of all nights. I also lost all the pieces to my hair braids I was about to put back in. I need them now more than ever and the pieces gifted to me can never be replaced. Ironically too, a book called “Stop Struggling, Start Living” which has helped keep me afloat all this time and pass through the massive breakup in October. All my medicines, gone. A $100 Amazon gift certificate, gone. All my headphones gone too, cellphone chargers and other personal items. On the harddrive too I lost all my years of photos, music, tax documents which leaves me open to identity theft. Of course a guaranteed spot of luck headed my way. So now I have to purchase identity theft protection which I cannot afford right now.

The stupid part is the laptop is 5 years old. It looks terrible. Paints peeled off, the screen is split, it’s slow and can’t even run off a battery. It’s probably going to get thrown off a cliff or dropped in a dumpster. Nobody is going to want to buy it. Hopefully it’s some strung out junkie who doesn’t go prying around in my documents.

What a waste. Where is the lesson in all of this?

I keep wondering if I am set to lose absolutely everything to make the final realisation I’m still OK. To lose all fear. Joseph has been the only mainstay, but he has suffered huge hits too. His luck has been just as unfathomable. I think I’m either going to have a nervous breakdown or just go completely dead inside and not care about anything anymore. I feel afraid about that happening. I feel afraid of what’s coming next. Completely vulnerable. I have no money left to weather any more storms. I have no family here to find any shelter. To get back on my feet again.

I don’t understand any of this.

Though even through all the confusion I keep hearing a gentle voice saying, “everything is working itself out”.

Why can’t things work out and be a picnic once in a while? I need a break. I need a place of safety and rest to gather strength. We both really really do. Though I know I won’t have that any time soon and so somehow, I’ll just keep going. I always do.

Though I am set to live past 100 easily, I will likely die someday by stray golfball. Or piano. Most likely frozen cat fallen out of an aeroplane’s cargo hold.

Hopefully my next blog post will be about a sudden upswing! Yeah…