The human mind it seems, is a lot like a computer. Runs mini-procedures (how to cut a slice of toast, how to brush teeth), mid-level procedures (how to negotiate a salary increase, how to argue your point and win), high-level programs (strategic goal achievements over many months or year involving sometimes hundreds of thousands of procedures running in the foreground and background) and because we can’t possibly know the best of everything, these programs are full of ‘bugs’. The mind is so vulnerable to interference, whether it be from incompatible programs running simultaneously that don’t agree with each other (“3 minute rush to work” procedure crashes into “grab quick coffee” procedure spilling everywhere causing “belief in whole day being ruined” program to initialize…
We run into bugs trying to run out of date programs for our newer motherboards (after installing “64-bit spiritually awakening motherboard” but still try to run old procedures like “32-bit jealousy for old stupid reason” causing “I knew we would break up over this!” program to run).
Too loud music for too long or sleep deprivation can make everything run wonky. And we are affected by power surges as we become crabby on lack of food or our disks spin too fast when we’ve had a jumbo icecream or 3 shot espresso.

The past two years I’ve been observing (well its a bit funny to stay this as the mind cant fully observe itself) how the mind responds automatically to things with the procedures we have socially learnt and run all the time, and then questioning my automatic procedure responses. I noticed that there is a defect a lot of us seem to have with our reasoning when it comes to evaluating whether things are worthwhile. This works for many things, the medical loan we’re paying off, waking up every single day for 10 years HATING that we are going into work for THAT job, the bad relationship, the big dream project that never seems to come to fruition but has resulted in the back yard being littered with broken cars and broken dreams for 20 years and not being quite able to let the house go and move somewhere nicer.

Say for example, you are in a relationship, and it starts out great, but a year goes by and things start to go bad. Do you quit or do you stay? There are people who will almost always run, as it is in their nature to never fully commit. And there are people who will almost always think, at a more subconscious level of weighing things up, “hmm… well… I HAVE already invested a year, I gave up X and Y to be in this relationship, and if I give up now… that’s a waste of a year as well as X and Y.” So they continue. It seems like sound logic. But things get progressively worse, as you feared they might based on previous incidents with this partner, and after 3 years it gets to a point where you wonder why on earth you are in this relationship. But then you remember you gave up X and Y, they were pretty big, and you remember all the stupid things that happened where you should have walked out but you didnt… and then something sort of odd happens. Its like a connection starts to form in the mind that completes a perpetual loop. You might start to believe that this is all worth it, because otherwise you wouldnt have stayed for 3 years right? That this guy or girl has got to be something special. He is really special, otherwise you would have never given up X and Y. In fact, you don’t remember ever being this much in love with someone ever. It HAS to be worth it, its just too big now to give up 3 years when 1 year was already too big a waste. Then year 4 comes and youre convinced youre just absolutely, completely in love with this guy, and that you cannot imagine continuing without him, you cant imagine ever letting all of this effort go, even though its really painful being in the relationship… somehow, to give up 4 years and the dreams of X and Y… it just cant be admitted, that I have been THIS stupid. No. I must stay, and actually each year that goes by as more and more time and effort is invested the relationship just “seems” to be stronger and stronger. Its as if nothing can separate us, or something would have by now. We must be quite amazing, something quite special, this love must be really big. A really big love.

I have watched a friends with stubborn conviction keep pursuing many things that are no longer giving them any value back, in fact it has reached a point where they are even regressing or but they cant seem to stop. Its like we get stuck in a perpetual loop. The belief that its all worth it.

Simply put, when we invest almost everything we have into something over a long period of time, we believe that it is because this thing is worth it. But we never look at it the other way around — we never look at the thing, and give it value, BEFORE we decide whether we are going to invest our time, and everything we have into it. We seem to not even have enough perspective once we are inside to look at the goal again, rationally and give it a true value, and evaluate it, in truth.

A friend said today, “no matter how far you have traveled down the wrong road … turn back.” I stopped in my tracks and wrote this post. Ive been on the “wrong” road a few times and started my life over literally a few times now in different countries. Every time it was worth it, and so I can say that even the wrong road was good for me, and nothing was truly lost. Don’t worry, it actually was all worth it, but not for the reasons you might have hoped. There may even be something much much better waiting for you. When you are ready to turn back.