What is going on???

Eight days ago I left freezing cold Pittsburgh city and flew, smack back to my love’s arms, whisked off to a treehouse paradise and the merciless heat of Nicaragua. 30C, 95F and 65{a9f0d31f6175b3e4775e11a66c07db268fb74408d6095f6b46eeec420c0e9f62} humidity. Now I’m back on the island of Ometepe just a couple of days ago. In two weeks we will hitchhike though Nicaragua and Honduras with a small bag each to El Salvador for a major surfing trip. That is really the only fixed plan I have in my life right now. I’m afraid of having more than one fixed plan at a time it seems. And I get nervous when I don’t have one too. This is how indecisive I am at the moment.

I feel sort of strange a lot of the time. The changes in temperature, altitude, surroundings, friends… the other night I jumped up in bed a few times shouting, “WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON?!!!”. I don’t remember this except that I woke up a few times for a few nights now. Apparently I’ve said a lot of scary stuff in my sleep lately. Along with very bizarre dreams.

Sometimes I feel emotionally numb, out of the blue and just stare into space. Bzzzzzzz. But most of the time, like yesterday floating in his arms in the lake after biting into the juiciest craziest fruit I’ve ever imagined, surrounded by sparkles, I just feel really lucky. Really blessed. Even though I don’t really know what I’m doing. Or what the f*ck is going on from one day to the next. Or have anything saved for a rainy day.

I know, deep down, that the greatest challenge right now is to be rooted. Where I am now. Wherever I am. No matter if I have just arrived, or I’m travelling in the back of a pickup in a foreign country. Or if I have lived in a place for 15 years. If I can find this centeredness, and only then, can I receive my greatest desires, and be open to the universe opening in full flower throughout my conscious and subconscious. Ultimately, to be completely content. And have no fear. Because every second of the day I will live in trust that whatever is happening, is meant to happen. To stop fighting against what is happening all the time.

I know this. Its just taking me so long that I’m getting frustrated with myself and feel stupid. I can see the goal, I’ve felt it so many times, but I cant seem to figure out how to stay in this state of mind. Or to get there, without it just randomly soaking me like a water balloon from an unseen sniper.

For now, I just feel this internal struggle as I adapt each time. Maybe this is just the last dying breath of my old ways, fighting it’s last and most uncomfortable fight to keep the status quo. I hope so.